Problems are a Bottomless Pit and so are Cheryl's Delusion Shattering Questions
How I Accidentally Summoned My Mentor at 2am After Fears of Business Failure Staged a Flash Mob in My Dreams (Part 2)
✨ Step into a world where time bends like a slinky, reality twists like a dragon’s tail, and imagination flows like enchanted rivers! 🌊🌀
Hi friend! I’m Ophelia🌈, and I’ve arrived precisely whenever this is! I’m a Doxie—tiny dragon-pixie, full of magic, mischief, and cookies. I’m a student at the 🪄Business Witch Academy💸, but I also dabble in design (buy my merch!), assist with magical logistics, and write Substack letters that feel like I just flopped dramatically onto your couch and said, “Okay listen, I’ve accidentally hired an AI Gremlin again—wanna see?”
If you've ever walked into a room and instantly spotted the wandering ghosts with strong opinions and unresolved feelings or accidentally summoned an existential crisis by rearranging your desk—you’re in the right backroom of the internet.
Here you’ll find:
Tales of magical mishaps and business goblins,
Semi-useful advice accidentally delivered via a squirrel experiencing an existential crisis,
Behind-the-scenes peeks into my art, process, and mood swings (mostly glittery, occasionally soggy)
Magical pages from my family grimoire/recipe book
My relationship with time is deeply unstable so I can’t promise when you’ll get these things.
I don’t give formulas. I give lore, emotional comradery, and possibly pie.
Welcome to the inner sanctum of my brain. Please don’t feed the bogart in the filing cabinet. 🐾🌪️💸
👕 Enchanted Merch | 🌈 Subscribe for Shenanigans | 🗺️ Go on a Side Quest 🏰
Problems are a Bottomless Pit and so are Cheryl's Delusion Shattering Questions
"There is an almost endless list," she said, sounding a bit depressed, or maybe just tired. "Another student at the academy who spent the better part of last year building her webpage. She did a great job and it looks beautiful. But she isn't bringing much business and told me she was looking at some of her competitors and thought that she'd do a bit of a redesign in hopes that it would bring in more business."
"Did it work?" I asked envisioning a beautiful website with animated fireworks or something really out of this world.
"I asked her a key question that changed her whole perspective on her priorities."
I was enthralled, because I know how transformational Cheryl's best questions can be. "What'd you ask her?"
"I asked her, 'How many visitors have been to you site in the last month?'. After showing her how to find that information, she discovered there were 3 visitors in the last 30 days. The look or words of the website were not her problem considering no one was looking at it in the first place."
"Oh, that's some ninja questioning!"
"The best strategy and best tools in the world won't help if you're solving the wrong problem. So, I have a question for you too."
"Uh, oh." I filled with dread.
"How much time have you spent marketing the products you already have for sale?"
Oh! I perked right back up. I had this one in the bag! "I post on Bluesky every day!" I said proudly.
"I follow your Bluesky account, Ophelia. I can't remember the last time you posted about your stories, your art, or your business. It's nothing but political rants and sharing horrifying news reports."
I considered for a moment and the wind went right out of my wings. "Oh. I suppose I've been a bit distracted and unfocused."
In addition to sharing my stories, I’m the proprietor of Ophelia's Bazaar, where I sell awesome merch featuring my art which has been inspired by the wild and ever-changing landscapes of my interdimensional time-hopping adventures, I transform ordinary objects into magic-infused treasures for witches, old souls, the neurospicy, and other mystical folks who crave a look as extraordinary as they feel.
Kitchen Utensils Are the Key to Business Success
"I think you need to take a close look at your Sales Funnel."
"A funnel? My funnel is in the kitchen. I just used it yesterday, or last week? I was refilling elderberry syrup bottles with my latest batch."
"Mmm, you made more? I love your elderberry syrup. Everyone else's is disgusting! I must get your recipe."
"Oh, definitely! Hey, maybe I should share it on my Substack! Do you think my subscribers would like it?"
"They'd love it," Cheryl said enthusiastically. "Now back to your problem. A sales funnel isn't a kitchen tool, it's about the experience of how people move from being strangers to happy repeat customers. I have some lessons coming up at the academy, you should join. In the meantime, start looking over '🔐 The 4 Key Questions That Unlock Business Clarity Guidebook,' it's a good starting point." She made a few hand gestures in the air and a small booklet appeared on the table in front of us.
“EEEEEEE!” I squeed so hard I startled a nearby fern into evolving thumbs. “Oh stars, oh sparkles, oh legally-dubious enchantment clauses—IT’S SO PRETTY I THINK THIS IS WHAT DREAMS WEAR TO BRUNCH!”
Cheryl gave me a look that meant you're being ridiculous again but I'm too tired to stop you. I gave her a look that said I know, and thank you for loving me anyway.
Then I opened the booklet, and something inside me shifted—not a big shift, like a sentient sparkle proposing marriage—but a little one, like my brain had lost Wi-Fi and had just reconnected.
Maybe the path to magical business clarity isn’t paved with more products and bureaucratic mushrooms. Maybe it’s paved with better questions?
But I still think glitter helps.
You guys should grab a copy of the 4 Key Questions too! You won’t regret it!
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May the force be with you,
Ophelia 🌈
Enchanting you I am
👕 Enchanted Merch | 📜 Secret Scroll Club | 🏰 Visit Business Witch Academy
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